Shallow

I'm not really sure why I created this. I'm no good at blogs. And they usually just turn into emo bitchfests.
But I find that lately, because I'm out of work, I have a lot of thoughts. Not all of them are important. Most of them are pretty shallow. Like, this new Dolce & Gabbana perfume I got today from Sephora. It makes me feel like a lady. It reminds me of beaches and a lotion I used to have in high school. I can't stop smelling my wrist. I'm so used to flowery Hello Kitty bullshit. So it's nice to feel like an adult for once.
I recently was subjected to surgery. I had an ileostomy bag put in. It's totally fucked me up. I used to think I was crazy about my body image before but now ... I don't even know. It's beyond insane. I keep reading posts and essays from people who had temporary ilestomies, like I have. But they all talk about acceptance after their takedown surgeries. This doesn't help me. I know I'll be fine with it once I get it removed and can feel like a normal person. Once I don't have this horrible bag hanging from me. It's hard to feel attractive and sexy when you've got this ten inch bag hanging from your abdomen. I haven't gained any weight, really, but what's the point of being 96 pounds if I can't flaunt how disgustingly tiny I am with tight shirts and bikinis?!
Anyway. So I don't feel like I have a lot of control over that right now. So I get into stupid things like clothes and make up. If I can't control my stomach, at least I can control my face. I'm getting pretty good at that sort of girly aspect of myself. So that's been fun. My Sigma brushes should be here soon. So it'll be fun to play with those and the new palettes they have coming out at the end of the month. At least it will give me something to do. You'd think having some time off work would be nice but I have been BORED out of my freaking mind. Everything I used to enjoy now is just ... ugh. I can't stand to play any more Warcraft or Sims, or read any more books. Nothing on Netflix looks appealing anymore. I wish I could drink. I miss alcohol.
I hope someone can sneak me some tequila into the hospital after my second surgery.