Reposted from my old journal. Sums up how I'm feeling today pretty well, though.
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I saw my stepfather yesterday.
All right, that's not entirely true. It was a man who looked very, very much like him and the scared little girl part of me that will always fear him is still pretty convinced that it was him. Never mind that this man's eyes were round and almost kind (I say almost because, although they might have been, I have a hard time processing someone with that face could ever have kind) eyes, instead of the mean, beady black eyes that Kevin had. But he had the same double chin, the same fat face, high forehead, chubby cheeks. His hair was shoulder length, like Kevin's when I was younger, stringy and and so thin you wondered if it wasn't just bits of fine thread he had stuck haphazardly atop his balding head in an effort to preserve whatever vanity men like him possess.
This poor not-really-my-stepfather-man in the car next to me yesterday knows I am staring at him, glaring at him, hating everything about this perfect stranger and hoping his car explodes suddenly, all because he is most likely the only person in the world who looks like Kevin. It's very hard to breathe and Koda Kumi is suddenly singing very far away as he notices my intense glowering and turns to shoot a curious glance my way.
And I know, I *know* it's not him, but that little girl inside me is crying and begging to get away and all I can think is "Oh fucking hell, now he knows where I live."
We sit there for what feels like several minutes but what is really only a few seconds until the light turns green, his face politely curious and mine full of what I can only assume is an intense horror. He shrugs me off easily and speeds off in his little grey car when the light changes and I continue the rest of the way home, feeling oddly calm, even though my hands are shaking so hard I can hardly hold onto the steering wheel and there's an acidic, nausea rising in the pit of my stomach. But I don't cry, no matter how much 10 year old Sara might want to. I can't really blame her but it's not the time for that. I needed to get home, to lock the doors and shut the windows and feel safe, that this place was my home and he really had no idea where I was and that he had no interest in me anymore. No matter what vestiges remain of the little girl he abused to this day, I am still strong.
I don't feel very strong right now, though. I feel ... mostly helpless and listless. Angry. Very angry. Thoughts and feelings I don't think about often. This absolute overwhelming disgust and pure hatred. Throwbacks to my grandmother's funeral, knowing he was watching me.
Hiding behind my dad because it was all I could do but managing to shoot back defiant glares.
Stephanie lying to my face and telling me he wasn't coming.
Caye approaching me and hugging me and telling me how much she missed me.
Resisting the urge to pick up the very heavy vase next to us and hit her with it.
Realizing that Melanie had been in the bathroom for an awfully long time and that Kevin was no longer in the room with the rest of the reception.
Knowing he got away with all of it.
He's well aware of it. It's been ten years as of last month. Case is officially closed. Not enough evidence. Nobody will admit they saw anything, even though they did, those stupid lying son of bitches. So he gets to go skipping off into the sunset and I can't even believe that God or Karma or Fate will take care of him. Because, let's face it, he's had it pretty good so far. Maybe not fantastic, but certainly nothing bad. There was no retribution and I have every reason to believe there won't be any.
He believes the same thing. It was in his eyes, when I saw him come into the church, smirk playing on the corners of his lips. My mom and dad drew closer to me on either side and I sat up straighter, taller, glaring as though I wasn't afraid of anything. It didn't matter to him. He can rely on the knowledge that this is an unfair world. It doesn't matter how unafraid I am now, he still won, in the end.
This is not a fairy tale world. There is no magic and no happy endings. Captain Hook rules here.
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